Whenever I hit a bump on the road in life, I would feel stuck. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel a little bit...no...FREAKING CRAZY!! My summer break started almost a month ago and during this period I did some soul searching. I bought and read books on varies subjects and researched frequently online. I even found some great information on how to control my anxiety problems without pills. I just don't know why I always make that "little bump on the road" into this gigantic monster from hell. It paralyzes my thoughts...my life. As I am typing this (and biting the skin off my fingers) I am going through this feeling of fear and hopelessness. It gets a bit lonely too, at some point very lonely. Sometimes I think going to college is the worst decision I made in my life. I put so much effort, love and hard work into it but in return it caused me stress and frustration. Which force me many times into the state of depression. I didn't have much confidence to begin with and now I have none in myself. I had so much dreams and motivations but college seems to have a way to crush them out with one hit. I can confidently say that college is one of the worst experience in my life.
Almost one year from today I (might) graduate college. Where I am able to break out of that prison that held my soul hostage for the pass half a decade. I can finally be fearless then it made me realized, "Now what??" My mind became scrambled eggs because of college. I can't think or even draw something (for myself) I enjoy anymore. I have terrible carpal tunnel, "Now what??" Even if I did find a job and get paid, will I enjoy it or hate it as much I hated college?! What do I do then??
n beyond ??:
My fear as a child was to not do what I love for living. If I am not able to find a job that makes me happy I can easily see myself picking up trash by the highway for a living or becoming a janitor.